January is the perfect time of year to consider new beginnings/new life. I love when someone is being baptized and the pastor says "Buried with Christ in beautiful baptism, raised to walk in newness of life". I think a lot of the times we take for granted the opportunity Jesus gives us to be forgiven and start fresh. I don't mean we have to get re-baptized every time; I believe we can ask forgiveness and  the slate is wiped clean in order for us to have a fresh start. WOW! Have you ever spent time contemplating the magnitude of that act? It certainly doesn't happen in day to day living; for instance if you take out a loan or charge something on a credit card, you cannot just ask forgiveness and have the debt wiped away. You can't fight with someone or mistreat someone and expect them to just forget about it. You cannot commit a crime and expect to just say I'm sorry, please forgive me and have the consequences to just disappear.
However we can expect Jesus to forgive us, no matter what it is that we have done, The Lord will forgive us. It is next to impossible for me in my humanness to comprehend the depths of Jesus love and forgiveness for my sin. I cannot imagine how much he loves me or even why he loves me, because I fail him over and over again. But he just picks me up and dusts me off and sets me back on track again. And I just imagine the gentle smile on His face and His arms of love surrounding me!
Therefore we have been buried with Him through baptism into death, so that as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, so we too might walk in newness of life.
 (Romans 6:4 NASB)

Does God still love me even when I can't manage to get to church? My granddaughter Haley asked me if I still loved Jesus. I responded, Yes I do, more than ever. Haley then asked, well, Nana, why don't you come to church with us. I tried to explain what it's like to live in pain and try to sleep like a normal person. I'm not sure if Haley understood. I know she loves me no matter what though. But I hate to feel as if I don't measure up. Am I the only person who ever worries about things like this? I haven't turned my back on God, as a matter of fact, I need him more desperately than ever before.
I have really been struggling with trying to retrain my sleep patterns. I cannot seem to sleep at night and therefore it is difficult for me to wake up and get to church. I try not to sit and dwell on my not being able to get into or retrain myself into a schedule; one where I actually sleep at night and wake up in time for church attendance. It seems as though the harder I try to fall asleep and wake up in time for church, the more difficult it is for me to get to sleep. I tried sleep aids and that did not help! 
Anyway back to topic, does God still love me? Or do I still love God? just saying that sounds blasphemous and I do NOT want to sound that way! I think maybe I just am doing some serious whining and falling into the depths of self-pity! So lets break this down into sections:

1. I do love the Lord. I've just kind of given up. I feel as though I have failed. I used to be the person who never missed church. If the doors were open, I was there. I lived the verse that said I was glad when they said unto me, Let us go unto the house of the Lord! So what happened? Oh yeah chronic pain and disability!
2. I've felt betrayed. except I don't know why - I prayed for God to move me and shut that door and He did. I guess I thought I needed something to whine about, but actually I need to move forward and let go of it.
3. I cannot get a schedule going. I cannot sleep at night and never manage to get up in time for church -makes me feel like a giant LOSER!
4. I think I need to start a consistent worship time of my own, whether it be an online service or just something here. Also need to be consistent with my quiet time.
5. Now number 4 I think we might have something there!!! I think this is where I should have begun. Personal Bible study and personal time with the Lord. If I can't make it to church I can still worship the Lord. I can watch an online sermon and set personal prayer times for myself.
6. I love music and have most all of my favorite worship music on my ipod and iTunes, so I can set up my own praise and worship time. Music speaks to me as though I have a direct line with God!

Psalm 34:1-4 says it best:
1I will extol the Lord at all times;
    his praise will always be on my lips.
² I will glory in the Lord;
    let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
³ Glorify the Lord with me;
    let us exalt his name together.

⁴ I sought the Lord, and he answered me;
    he delivered me from all my fears.

These last few days I've been pretty down in my soul (I thought that sounded better than down in the dumps; and seriously what does that even mean?). Anyway back to my depression, I know a lot of it is connected to the anniversaries of the loss of loved ones. Due to this depression I've been doing a lot of soul-searching, along with some serious pity parties, which led to my contemplating how our lives follow set patterns or cycles. Some of my psychology classes touched on this topic. Earlier I was reading about someone who was left with scars from a surgery and also emotional scars from a loss and I understood that our lives follow the same patterns year after year at that same time of the year we hit that scar and suffer through those injuries all over again.
For those of you old enough to remember records, do you remember what happens when you have a scratch on one of the songs? Every time it comes to that particular song, what do you hear? A screechy noise. I think our emotional life cycles follow the patterns that are programmed into our psyche. If you lost your mom on January 11 like me, then you hit a scratch or a scar. If you had a painful knee surgery on December 9, again like me, then you hit that painful memory. But at the same time, if your first grand child, Haley Abigail, was born on March 18, then every year you have the blessing of celebrating her birth on that day.
A lot of this can be contributed to seasonal depression, that is if its a bad or sad memory that brings you down, but I think it works positively too. After all, don't you remember the good memories and all the positive blessings? I certainly do. I don't live in the past, however, I allow myself the luxury of enjoying the moments and especially remembering a skinny younger me ;)!

Well I'm still behind! Big surprise there to anyone who knows me haha! It is a little frustrating though, mostly because I keep hoping that I will get better especially since I don't work anymore and to quote those who don't know any better than say something stupid like this "You are home all day and you should be able to get things done because you don't have anything else to do!" EPIC FAIL if you don't want to be on my hit list!
Anyway back to my writing and working on my devotion book, I still haven't really gotten going other than a couple of rough pages. I keep getting sidetracked working on the template or background of my blog. Somehow or other I tried to change the background to the library look with the shelvesof books and it kept the pink & brown paisley looking background underneath. I can't seem to figure out how to change one or the other ugggghhhhhhh! and yes I now that's far too many g's & h's I just want to express my extreme irritation and frustration with the thing! I am pretty tempted to just start another blog page. I only have 2 followers anyway, so I can post my link to facebook and have them follow me on the new page. . . .  .
If anyone has any idea how to help or an opinion on starting a new page - just chime in anytime.
A large part of my irritation is the date-today or technically yesterday now, marks the 2 year anniversary of my mom's homegoing celebration. Even though I know she had been gone for a long time due to her Alzheimer's/dementia, the finality of her death just gnaws at me sometimes. I do know that she is with Jesus and I will see her again some day, so that brings consolation.
I think a song by Chris Tomlin brings me the most hope and consolation.
     And I will rise when He calls my name No more sorrow, no more pain
     I will rise on eagles' wings Before my God fall on my knees
    And rise  I will rise

Day 10 & Already Behind!!

Here we are, only 10 days into the new year and I am already behind! I had every intention of beginning the work on the devotional book I've promised myself and God that I would write; however here I am again 10 days behind! This is not something new, I've felt convicted to write this for several years, I just always come up with excuses not to work on it. Hubby dearest helped knock out one of the last & biggest reasons when he gave me a new laptop for Christmas; and he is also an inspiration to me with his faith and belief that I can do whatever I set my mind to!
I've also begun to review books and I am very excited about that. That will also be an incentive to become a more steadfast and dedicated blogger.
Tonight we celebrated Hubby Dearest's birthday -#59! Its hard to believe that we are so close to retirement age, of course I'm already retired/disabled/or whatever we choose to call me! Anyway I was reminiscing and just wondering how the time had slipped away so quickly. Whatever happened to those long ago days of young love and babies and just celebrations of life? I was thinking of how we froze and saved the top layer of our wedding cake for an entire year and of course thawed and ate it in celebration of our 1st year together. There always seemed to be a reason to celebrate, I remember making a special dinner and cake for our 1 month anniversary. Anyway I seem to be wandering in circles around my train of thought - celebrations. These next few months are the family birthday months so we will be doing more celebrating. But somewhere in the all the hubbub I want to make sure I take the time and celebrate Jesus and my relationship with him. I get a little off track with all the celebrating and I just want to make sure of my focus. I need to be working on this devotional book not for personal monetary gain but for my own peace of mind, for guidance and wisdom, giving me hope and assurance, and drawing me to His side. This is one of my "resolutions".

The Breath of Dawn book review

Kristen Heitzmann has done it again. Her new novel, "The Breath of Dawn" is outstanding. She has woven a delightful tale of romance, suspense, and mystery. The plot keeps us on the proverbial "edge of our seats" from the very beginning until the end. Kristen skillfully interweaves her characters from past books and you feel as though you've rejoined their lives almost from where you left them.

Quinn Reilly is doing her best to stay under the radar and hide from her past. Along comes handsome Morgan Spencer, a widower trying to raise his adorable two year old daughter Olivia. Morgan is still trying to recover from the loss of his wife. Morgan jumps in to help Quinn when she is threatened by the man whom her testimony sent to prison. What ensues from there is an exciting, intriguing plot which holds your interest with each turn of the page! If you are a Kristen Heitzmann fan you will not regret buying this book! You will thoroughly enjoy it from the very beginning until the exciting conclusion!

Free to Praise?

What is freedom? I'm sure that many look at that question on this day and just read right past it. After all that question has been asked so many times and in so many ways. But for my benefit I choose to ask that question, and to attempt to find an answer which fulfills my search. Webster's says that freedom is "the quality or state of being free". I think that is appropriate for my purpose, because I believe that freedom must begin within a person's heart. Within my heart I embrace the quality and knowledge of my freedom. I do not think your average American comprehends what freedom really means. After all, most of us have never had to fight for our freedom. We have not had to fight for our freedom of speech, nor fight for the right to do as we please, whether it be work or play. The best part of our freedom is that we are free to worship as we choose.
On this day that our country celebrates our freedom, we can celebrate our right to worship; the freedom to praise our God and Savior.

"Therefore I will praise you, LORD, among the nations; I will sing the praises of your name." Psalm 18:49
“The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to set the oppressed free."
Luke 4:18

Jelly Beans & Vessels

My grandson, Jackson, loves jellybeans. He will tell you “I like beans!” He will do what his mama says if she persuades him with jellybeans. He is such a delightful, fun-filled package of energy! I love to watch him play and run around, but when you are outside or in a store you need to have some control over that extremely fast, little energetic boy and jellybeans provide an incentive to get him in line! What I’ve noticed though is he will eat the first few, but after a bit he will eat the flavored sugary outside and spit out the gummy mess that’s left inside. He does that with fruit snacks too; he will get the flavor out of them and then spit out the gooey mess! I remember doing the same thing when I was a kid. I didn’t like jelly beans or anything that was gooey and gummy like them. It was a texture thing!!

I’m sure you are wondering where I am going with this. Am I just telling you about my wonderful grandchildren? Because I have 6 of the most delightful amazing grandchildren ever – 3 of each - 3 girls and now 3 boys! While that is wonderful and fun, that’s not really what I was thinking on. I was reminded how sometimes we, or myself, as Christians just like the sugar coating of the Gospel. You know we take the verses we like that give us that flavored sugary feel good taste good feeling but then we want to spit out the gooey mess or the hard to swallow instructions.  I am reminded of Paul’s teaching in 2 Corinthians 4:7: “But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.” We are the vessels which God uses; I know I am weak and sometimes my outer shell or clay is flawed and warped (okay 99.9% of the time). This is like an inside out jelly bean, the flavor is inside. The treasure within is worth chewing through the gooey mess.

 I love the thought that I am a vessel; that God would choose to use something as flawed and broken as I am. I spend a lot of time wondering how God can use someone like me who struggles with all my physical disabilities. I sure can’t go on a mission trip or to a mission field, BUT I can write. Maybe that’s the reason God keeps putting these thoughts in my head and on my heart?  While I am contemplating the fact that I am a vessel another favorite passage from 2 Timothy comes to mind:

²⁰ Now in a large house there are not only gold and silver vessels, but also vessels of wood and of earthenware, and some to honor and some to dishonor. ²¹ Therefore, if anyone cleanses himself from these things, he will be a vessel for honor, sanctified, useful to the Master, prepared for every good work.

Wow! Double wow! I want to be a vessel for honor, sanctified and useful and prepared for God’s use! This passage pushes away the doubts and fears and feelings of my own worthlessness. God has a plan for me and I am still a useful vessel. He can repair the flaws or put a patch on them. Whatever he chooses, I choose to serve Him to the best of my ability.

And I‘m sure I can find an empty vessel to fill with jelly beans for Jackson & Nana!

Is Blogland like Neverland?

There are moments in time when I think that there are no obstacles that I cannot overcome, just like Neverland. Then I find myself faced with an issue or dilemma that I cannot work through or I cannot see past that problem. Back pain is like that problem, on good days I think of all the wonderful fun things I would like to do with my grand kids ~ for instance take them to the zoo and see everything through their eyes~imagine what it would be like to be a child again and see the elephants or giraffes or monkeys!! Oh my! Those things are still wondrous to me and to think of how the kids see them. It's just overjoyful (not sure if that's a word)!
BUT then I remember I can't walk for any distance~ I can't really even stand up for any length of time. Is this a pity party? Yeah probably. In Neverland Peter Pan can fly & Tinkerbell can too. They don't have problems getting around. Neverland is not perfect though. Neverland has it own huge problem~Captain Hook. And didn't you feel a little bit sorry for the Lost Boys? Yeah they had each other and all that fun stuff, but they were Lost and without parents to guide and direct and love them.
There are no happy wonderlands without problems; the key to living life and dealing with those obstacles in our wonderland or neverland is prayer and contentment. Contentment can be difficult to achieve. Paul teaches on contentment in the book of Philippians chapter 4 in the New Testament.
^"11 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. ¹² I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. ¹³ I can do all this through him who gives me strength."
This passage is the answer to my pity party. Sometimes its very difficult to accept this as an answer because I would rather wallow in my self pity. I get a bad case of the "why me Lord?"s. Through much whining and pleading and praying for God to change my circumstances I finally remember to look for God's leadership and His invitation for me to draw close to the goal; again Paul's words in Philippians 3:
^"13 Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, ¹⁴ I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
I ask for God's strength to guide and direct my journey and lead me in the paths that He has planned for me.
Sorry to share my flaws & weaknesses with all of you in Blogland.

Eagles or Winged Monkeys?

eTurns out I can write (blog) its just tiny on my phone. Now that I discovered how to turn off the wi-fi I have 3G access. SO now what do I want to write? Today has been interesting - the girls always said when I used that word it was my nice way of saying No or ugly dumb stupid whatever. but I use it now because I don't know how to describe my day, kind of frustrating and disappointing. I feel the house I wanted so much slipping through my fingers- its just more than we can afford to pay and it would not be in Gods perfect plan for me to try & make it happen - not even to mention poor stewardship! I know God has the perfect place for us I just am getting a little antsy about the when!
So here am back on the path seeking direction and trying to stay away from the Oh-EE-OH soldiers & the Winged Monkeys!! Those things scared me to death when was little!!
I love the book of Isaiah especially 40:31! Who needs Winged Monkeys? with God I have Eagles!!!!

Finding my Yellow Brick Road

Wow! Is there a way I can hide or get rid of those earlier posts? From nearly 3 years ago? They're actually pretty funny to read now ~ I was very nearly incapacitated after my accident on August 15, 2009 ~ I was determined to finish moving & run the cottage & get all the girls school supplies~ I had to get them any clothing items they needed for school~in a nutshell I was determined to be Superwoman and never ever ever admit defeat yet whenI look back I believe that was the beginning of my undoing. Note the word "I" repeatedly used throughout this narrative. Perhaps I should have depended more on God and trusted Him for the answers!
Sitting on this side of the past 2 years and 7 months~ 5 surgeries later ~ I'm tired~ I'm smooth worn slick! After 14 years & 9 months I no longer work for the Baptist Childrens Home.
I'm kind of lost right now~ I'm searching for God's leadership and seeking His guidance to define and deliver me~ but this is a scary place to be in~ the boundaries are undefined. Where is my yellow brick road? Wouldn't it be great if there were a yellow brick road to guide us to the Emerald City and directly to God for answers? (Sidenote: I do think that God is a bazillion times more impressive and beautiful than the wizard was, I mean God's skekinah glory is so powerful that He had to put Moses in the cleft of the rock so he wouldn't be overwhelmed and killed by the power of His glory!!)
Meanwhile back to the yellow brick road ~ there is a path that leads to God ~ over and over the writer of the Psalms and other Biblical writers talk of the path to God. Psalm 23 "He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake." Psalm 25 "Show me your ways, LORD, teach me your paths." The path is there for us (me), even though it may not be all yellow brick, we (I) just have to seek it and follow it. We, no I, need to be so close to God seeking Him, walking with Him, letting His love wash over me, holding me in His arms of love, healing my brokenness, there are several songs I could just bust into singing right now, one that I used to sing that says
"For His blood was not just blood, of another spotless lamb
But His blood was precious blood for it washed the sins of man
And His blood it heals my body and it sets my spirit free
And I'm so glad this precious blood still flows from Calvary."
I want to document my journey because I know that God has great things in store, I know that He is not finished with my life yet, I just don't know what the next great adventure is. Over and over God keeps telling me to trust Him every step of the way, and I know if this is so important to God that it will be mind-blowing when I see and understand His plan for me!! I want to make sure that when I look back on this time I have reminders of what God has done for me. I have more stories to tell of this journey and how I got to this point, but I'll save them for another day. Soooohh ~ back to the yellow brick road ~ the old way is dead (ding dong the witch is dead) and I'm now a new creation created in Christ Jesus seeking the correct pathway to God. I'm sure I'll hit some rough spots (Lions & tigers & bears, oh my) in the road but I just need to keep my eyes on Jesus! I'm really not trying to throw in a bunch of cliches and cutesy phrases but it's really late and that's what keeps popping in my head so without further Adieu ~ So long farewell Auf Weidershen, Goodnight. . . . . .

I was reminded by some of my friends posts that I should be more thankful and less ungrateful for the many blessings and opportunites God has provided for me. For instance, much of the time I focus on the hardships and problems associated with raising teenage girls, but they are such a blessing! They can be truly a joy to work and live with ~ yes they are loud, yes they are boy crazy, yes they are silly I could go on and on.
I think it is important to list the specific things I am happy for each day! and maybe even throw in a few things i want to change.
Things I enjoyed today:
1. Gail
2. A caseworker who is willing to help out with the things I can't get done!
3. Being able to sit in my chair and run the house while I can't really do much else, but recuperate!
4. Having the girls come home and tell me the highs and lows of their days.
5. Finding cousins on facebook that I haven't talked to in years.
6. remembering to look for the little things to be happy about
7. Philippians chapter 4
8. Ann carrying my purse at WalMart & Lowes
9. Steph helping with the door
10. Jess helping with the seatbelt
11. talking to Matt
12. beautiful new home

Things I want to change tomorrow:
1. Look for more opportunities to be thankful
2. Laugh more
3. Praise and pray more
4. Give thanks in all things
5. Look for the opportunity to bless others

Fears/Failure

Once again I have come up lacking in blog land! It's been oh 3 months almost to the day since I have written anything. Seriously I have not just been slacking in blog world but also in pretty much every area of my life. I have just about given up on finishing school just haven't had the guts to tell anyone. My prayer time/quiet times are inconsistent and sporadic. Everything I should be doing is just flaky. The bad thing is I don't really know what to do about it. I am so afraid of failure that I have rendered myself helpless and hopeless. You think well if you are afraid of failure you would be over the top about getting things done - umm not so in my case. I just am so afraid of not getting it right or not doing something correctly that I don't do any of it. Anyway I was trying to determine if I wrote about it if perhaps I would be more accountable to finish things.

Seriously. . . .

Here I am back in blog world again. I read other people's blogs and think Wow I can do this. But I forget or get busy or ignore it or get depressed or just don't do it. Take your choice, any or all those things work.
You know when I was a kid I always wanted to keep a diary, I would read books about girls who kept these really cool diaries and had wonderful amazing adventures, but all my attempts at diaries were found extremely lacking. I would write for a couple of days and then skip one or two and write again, then skip some more, write again, skip a lot, write a little, yeah are you getting the picture. Needless to say my diary never measured up to those other folks. No one was beating down my door wanting to write a book about my adventures either.
Seriously though it is so easy to get distracted and drawn away from my goals and purposes. I think Mike was talking about that very thing in his sermon. How the enemy distracts and distorts and draws us away from the things we should be doing! I want to stay on track, I don't want to fall away from the ministry to which I've been called.
2 Corinthians 4:1 Therefore, since through God's mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart.

I am really not very consistent with writing a blog. How does one accomplish that? I find myself forgetting to write anything. I read all these wonderful blogs of friends and aquaintances and think ooh I can do this. I have so much I want to say, but when it gets to the actual moment of truth I don't know what to say. Perhaps I will add more later. . . . . ?

I've often wondered what it would be like to write my own blog, not that anyone would ever be interested in reading it. ha So what exactly does one blog about? I guess anything that comes to mind when writing perhaps.
I love to read and I find reading to be an escape of sorts for me. I can lose myself into the story I am reading. It's quite fascinating actually. A sort of sanctuary that no one can take away from you.