January is the perfect time of year to consider new beginnings/new life. I love when someone is being baptized and the pastor says "Buried with Christ in beautiful baptism, raised to walk in newness of life". I think a lot of the times we take for granted the opportunity Jesus gives us to be forgiven and start fresh. I don't mean we have to get re-baptized every time; I believe we can ask forgiveness and  the slate is wiped clean in order for us to have a fresh start. WOW! Have you ever spent time contemplating the magnitude of that act? It certainly doesn't happen in day to day living; for instance if you take out a loan or charge something on a credit card, you cannot just ask forgiveness and have the debt wiped away. You can't fight with someone or mistreat someone and expect them to just forget about it. You cannot commit a crime and expect to just say I'm sorry, please forgive me and have the consequences to just disappear.
However we can expect Jesus to forgive us, no matter what it is that we have done, The Lord will forgive us. It is next to impossible for me in my humanness to comprehend the depths of Jesus love and forgiveness for my sin. I cannot imagine how much he loves me or even why he loves me, because I fail him over and over again. But he just picks me up and dusts me off and sets me back on track again. And I just imagine the gentle smile on His face and His arms of love surrounding me!
Therefore we have been buried with Him through baptism into death, so that as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, so we too might walk in newness of life.
 (Romans 6:4 NASB)

Does God still love me even when I can't manage to get to church? My granddaughter Haley asked me if I still loved Jesus. I responded, Yes I do, more than ever. Haley then asked, well, Nana, why don't you come to church with us. I tried to explain what it's like to live in pain and try to sleep like a normal person. I'm not sure if Haley understood. I know she loves me no matter what though. But I hate to feel as if I don't measure up. Am I the only person who ever worries about things like this? I haven't turned my back on God, as a matter of fact, I need him more desperately than ever before.
I have really been struggling with trying to retrain my sleep patterns. I cannot seem to sleep at night and therefore it is difficult for me to wake up and get to church. I try not to sit and dwell on my not being able to get into or retrain myself into a schedule; one where I actually sleep at night and wake up in time for church attendance. It seems as though the harder I try to fall asleep and wake up in time for church, the more difficult it is for me to get to sleep. I tried sleep aids and that did not help! 
Anyway back to topic, does God still love me? Or do I still love God? just saying that sounds blasphemous and I do NOT want to sound that way! I think maybe I just am doing some serious whining and falling into the depths of self-pity! So lets break this down into sections:

1. I do love the Lord. I've just kind of given up. I feel as though I have failed. I used to be the person who never missed church. If the doors were open, I was there. I lived the verse that said I was glad when they said unto me, Let us go unto the house of the Lord! So what happened? Oh yeah chronic pain and disability!
2. I've felt betrayed. except I don't know why - I prayed for God to move me and shut that door and He did. I guess I thought I needed something to whine about, but actually I need to move forward and let go of it.
3. I cannot get a schedule going. I cannot sleep at night and never manage to get up in time for church -makes me feel like a giant LOSER!
4. I think I need to start a consistent worship time of my own, whether it be an online service or just something here. Also need to be consistent with my quiet time.
5. Now number 4 I think we might have something there!!! I think this is where I should have begun. Personal Bible study and personal time with the Lord. If I can't make it to church I can still worship the Lord. I can watch an online sermon and set personal prayer times for myself.
6. I love music and have most all of my favorite worship music on my ipod and iTunes, so I can set up my own praise and worship time. Music speaks to me as though I have a direct line with God!

Psalm 34:1-4 says it best:
1I will extol the Lord at all times;
    his praise will always be on my lips.
² I will glory in the Lord;
    let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
³ Glorify the Lord with me;
    let us exalt his name together.

⁴ I sought the Lord, and he answered me;
    he delivered me from all my fears.

These last few days I've been pretty down in my soul (I thought that sounded better than down in the dumps; and seriously what does that even mean?). Anyway back to my depression, I know a lot of it is connected to the anniversaries of the loss of loved ones. Due to this depression I've been doing a lot of soul-searching, along with some serious pity parties, which led to my contemplating how our lives follow set patterns or cycles. Some of my psychology classes touched on this topic. Earlier I was reading about someone who was left with scars from a surgery and also emotional scars from a loss and I understood that our lives follow the same patterns year after year at that same time of the year we hit that scar and suffer through those injuries all over again.
For those of you old enough to remember records, do you remember what happens when you have a scratch on one of the songs? Every time it comes to that particular song, what do you hear? A screechy noise. I think our emotional life cycles follow the patterns that are programmed into our psyche. If you lost your mom on January 11 like me, then you hit a scratch or a scar. If you had a painful knee surgery on December 9, again like me, then you hit that painful memory. But at the same time, if your first grand child, Haley Abigail, was born on March 18, then every year you have the blessing of celebrating her birth on that day.
A lot of this can be contributed to seasonal depression, that is if its a bad or sad memory that brings you down, but I think it works positively too. After all, don't you remember the good memories and all the positive blessings? I certainly do. I don't live in the past, however, I allow myself the luxury of enjoying the moments and especially remembering a skinny younger me ;)!

Well I'm still behind! Big surprise there to anyone who knows me haha! It is a little frustrating though, mostly because I keep hoping that I will get better especially since I don't work anymore and to quote those who don't know any better than say something stupid like this "You are home all day and you should be able to get things done because you don't have anything else to do!" EPIC FAIL if you don't want to be on my hit list!
Anyway back to my writing and working on my devotion book, I still haven't really gotten going other than a couple of rough pages. I keep getting sidetracked working on the template or background of my blog. Somehow or other I tried to change the background to the library look with the shelvesof books and it kept the pink & brown paisley looking background underneath. I can't seem to figure out how to change one or the other ugggghhhhhhh! and yes I now that's far too many g's & h's I just want to express my extreme irritation and frustration with the thing! I am pretty tempted to just start another blog page. I only have 2 followers anyway, so I can post my link to facebook and have them follow me on the new page. . . .  .
If anyone has any idea how to help or an opinion on starting a new page - just chime in anytime.
A large part of my irritation is the date-today or technically yesterday now, marks the 2 year anniversary of my mom's homegoing celebration. Even though I know she had been gone for a long time due to her Alzheimer's/dementia, the finality of her death just gnaws at me sometimes. I do know that she is with Jesus and I will see her again some day, so that brings consolation.
I think a song by Chris Tomlin brings me the most hope and consolation.
     And I will rise when He calls my name No more sorrow, no more pain
     I will rise on eagles' wings Before my God fall on my knees
    And rise  I will rise

Day 10 & Already Behind!!

Here we are, only 10 days into the new year and I am already behind! I had every intention of beginning the work on the devotional book I've promised myself and God that I would write; however here I am again 10 days behind! This is not something new, I've felt convicted to write this for several years, I just always come up with excuses not to work on it. Hubby dearest helped knock out one of the last & biggest reasons when he gave me a new laptop for Christmas; and he is also an inspiration to me with his faith and belief that I can do whatever I set my mind to!
I've also begun to review books and I am very excited about that. That will also be an incentive to become a more steadfast and dedicated blogger.
Tonight we celebrated Hubby Dearest's birthday -#59! Its hard to believe that we are so close to retirement age, of course I'm already retired/disabled/or whatever we choose to call me! Anyway I was reminiscing and just wondering how the time had slipped away so quickly. Whatever happened to those long ago days of young love and babies and just celebrations of life? I was thinking of how we froze and saved the top layer of our wedding cake for an entire year and of course thawed and ate it in celebration of our 1st year together. There always seemed to be a reason to celebrate, I remember making a special dinner and cake for our 1 month anniversary. Anyway I seem to be wandering in circles around my train of thought - celebrations. These next few months are the family birthday months so we will be doing more celebrating. But somewhere in the all the hubbub I want to make sure I take the time and celebrate Jesus and my relationship with him. I get a little off track with all the celebrating and I just want to make sure of my focus. I need to be working on this devotional book not for personal monetary gain but for my own peace of mind, for guidance and wisdom, giving me hope and assurance, and drawing me to His side. This is one of my "resolutions".

The Breath of Dawn book review

Kristen Heitzmann has done it again. Her new novel, "The Breath of Dawn" is outstanding. She has woven a delightful tale of romance, suspense, and mystery. The plot keeps us on the proverbial "edge of our seats" from the very beginning until the end. Kristen skillfully interweaves her characters from past books and you feel as though you've rejoined their lives almost from where you left them.

Quinn Reilly is doing her best to stay under the radar and hide from her past. Along comes handsome Morgan Spencer, a widower trying to raise his adorable two year old daughter Olivia. Morgan is still trying to recover from the loss of his wife. Morgan jumps in to help Quinn when she is threatened by the man whom her testimony sent to prison. What ensues from there is an exciting, intriguing plot which holds your interest with each turn of the page! If you are a Kristen Heitzmann fan you will not regret buying this book! You will thoroughly enjoy it from the very beginning until the exciting conclusion!

Free to Praise?

What is freedom? I'm sure that many look at that question on this day and just read right past it. After all that question has been asked so many times and in so many ways. But for my benefit I choose to ask that question, and to attempt to find an answer which fulfills my search. Webster's says that freedom is "the quality or state of being free". I think that is appropriate for my purpose, because I believe that freedom must begin within a person's heart. Within my heart I embrace the quality and knowledge of my freedom. I do not think your average American comprehends what freedom really means. After all, most of us have never had to fight for our freedom. We have not had to fight for our freedom of speech, nor fight for the right to do as we please, whether it be work or play. The best part of our freedom is that we are free to worship as we choose.
On this day that our country celebrates our freedom, we can celebrate our right to worship; the freedom to praise our God and Savior.

"Therefore I will praise you, LORD, among the nations; I will sing the praises of your name." Psalm 18:49
“The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to set the oppressed free."
Luke 4:18